It is a different sort of experience than it was once. I have more options, and way more control. If I say "no," then everything comes to a halt, and we each go back to our corners. There is not much discussion, and if it disappoints him, or frustrates him, or makes him wish for something different, then I don't ever hear about it. He just quits, and we go on about our more ordinary, vanilla life together.
That means that, if there is going to be spanking play that actually goes anywhere much, the burden for making that happen falls on me. I have to get to it, and stay with it, and find a way to be in the moment enough to follow the trail through the pain and fear to whatever good might lie on the other side of that sometimes formidable barrier. And I have to do it without much in the way of help or support from him.
Spanking, for me, has always been about my mindset. What I experience in the midst of a spanking session is determined, in large part, by where my head is. I have to give it up, and go with it. If I get caught up in any sort of emotional weighing or measuring or bargaining or calculating or wanting or demanding... then I can pretty much guarantee that the spanking will overwhelm me, and result in a sense of anger and betrayal. Nothing good can come from any of that.
Most often, I find that I do better with some sort of fairly rhythmic, mantra-ish mental chant that keeps me in the moment, and prevents me from swirling out into all the mental chatter. Over the years, I have used a lot of different sort of mental chants to ride through the tough places in a spanking:
"Yours always and all ways"
"I love you, Sir"
"I am just a butt"
"One two three four five six seven eight"
At different times in different ways, each of those have helped me along the path to processing and eroticizing the pain of a spanking.
Now though, I find that my mind goes to the unseen, unknown others that loom on the horizon... the spankos that have or will be part of his spanking experience. They are more willing, more sturdy, more pure in some sense than I am, and he is able to take a chance with them that he won't take with me. I understand the need that drives the move to connect with them, and I endorse the general idea of it all. It is not, however, a reality without its emotional challenges. At the beginning of a spanking, when I am most tentative, most vulnerable, it is hard to be in a mental place of wondering if he is actually with me, or is really practicing for his encounters with those others. Is what is happening about me? About us? Or am I just a stand in? It is hard.
And so the session on Sunday morning started off a little rough. I felt that he launched right in to more high end play than I was prepared for, with no real warm up. It made me angry. Frustrated. I wanted him to help me, and I was immediately fussy. Of course, the minute I expressed that, he got defensive, and began to pull away. I knew right away, that if I didn't figure it out, he would end the session, and I would lose the opportunity. And I wanted a chance to "get there."
So, I dropped back into position, determined to tough it out, see it through. And then I hit upon the magic mindset that made it work for me. I put the nameless, faceless others around the edge of the room. Silent witnesses to what was happening. And in my mind? The mantra that worked to carry me along on the crest of the pain?
"Watch and learn, Motherfuckers!"