I spent the better part of the last 15 or so years practicing a form of erotic sexuality based on a power based, dominance and submission model. I tried, as sincerely as I could, to live the submissive part of that balance for all of these years, and so I think I have some basis from which to speak plainly. I do not believe that it is truly possible to live a purely D/s dynamic day in and day out; day after day after day; for any significant period of time. NOT. POSSIBLE.
I know that many try. I know that many absolutely believe that they are doing that exact thing, and I understand that those who are in the midst of making that attempt will not appreciate my declaration here. So be it. But I believe, based on long experience, and painfully learned lessons, that it is an unsustainable relationship model.
The perfect D/s relationship that I wanted for myself, that so many of my peers in the lifestyle have wanted for themselves, depends on a coming together of two perfect types in perfect harmony and balance. It requires a "perfect" dominant: strong, responsible, confident, wise, focused, and intuitive. It also demands the "perfect" submissive: strong, responsible, confident, wise, focused, and intuitive. These two perfect opposite numbers have to find one another, recognize one another, and enter into relationship with one another. That relationship has to be exactly balanced in terms of tastes, desires, capacities, and a host of other factors. There can be no room in the perfect D/s relationship for complications. No marital complications, no children, no aging parents, no demanding careers, no health concerns, no psychiatric wobbly places. None of that. The balance is too delicate to allow for any of the vagaries of life.
Fifty Shades of Gray, and all of the other BDSM-based fantasy writing that one finds, wherever one finds it, is just that -- fantasy. The stories are not about real people, living real lives. They are make believe stories fetched up out of the dreams of lonely girls and disappointed world over all the centuries behind us.
So. My advice to anyone who might ask for it, and I am pretty sure that no one ever will, is this: play sex games with whoever you choose to play them with. Negotiate scenes. Draw up contracts. Walk along the razor's edge, and experience the undeniable thrill of breaking all the rules. Fall head over heals in love with the whole idea of being adored and treasured and "made" into someone else's idea of perfection. Don't however forget that you are responsible for your own safety and happiness. Play and have fun, but take care of yourself. Love deeply and passionately, but demand and insist that love be reciprocated. It is only fair and sensible.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
One, Lauren Hill (19 year old), wished to play one basketball game with the college team that would have been hers had she not become ill. That game happened on Sunday with a crowd of 10,000 in attendance, cheering her on.
The other, Brittany Maynard (29 years old), wished to end her life before cancer ended it for her in the most horrible way imaginable. That end came on Saturday when, surrounded by her family, she took the medication prescribed for her by a physician under Oregon's "death with dignity" law.
I honor both brave young women and their choices. I grieve with and for their families. The sadness of their stories is almost unbearable. But that is not what troubles me tonight.
I am, tonight, angered and frustrated by what has streamed across my Facebook feed from those who claim to be good Christians, and I seem to be connected to a fair number of them. Today, they have, almost all of them, chosen to label Lauren as "right and good and brave," and to simultaneously label Brittany as "wrong and bad and selfish." Christians! How dare they? Really!
I can understand if a person holds to a belief that taking one's own life is sinful. I get that such a person, consistent with their own values and beliefs, would choose to live each and every day right down to the very last suffering, struggling, painful, howling breath. I understand that such a one, might choose to put themselves and their loved ones through the brutal march to the bitter end. If that is your belief and your faith, then I grant you that. I will not say "nay." However, I insist that those "Christians" who believe as they might, grant those who do not share their faith and their belief the right to choose their own path. There are options and other ways to be and believe, and those ways are not, de facto, wrong and bad. To stand up, in a public forum, and Facebook is that, and publicly denounce the painful and difficult choices made by a dying young woman is the worst kind of hypocrisy by the worst kind of hypocrite.
Monday, November 3, 2014
I was wrong. Denying the essential truths of my own heart and spirit did not make me happier, safer, more secure. The one that I loved did not love me more because of my efforts, however successful, to hide who I was. In the end I hurt myself and contributed to his own harmful behaviors. I did that.
I have had to learn to do things differently; to see things differently. I have had to begin the work to reclaim my voice; to say "yes" or "no" when I truly mean "yes" or "no." It has not been easy.
I have had to take a deep breath, on more than one occasion, and say what is, rather than what it is that I judge he may want to hear. I have had to insist on my own dignity and worth. I have begun to insist that I be treated with kindness and respect and basic politeness, just as I expect to treat him. I have needed to learn what I want and then ask for those things, and I have had to learn to see that asking as right and healthy and good -- not selfish or manipulative or any other sort of negative label that I might previously applied to my own wants and needs.
That has been my journey in these years. Mine. All the changes that I am making in my own self and in my own beliefs and in my own life are the natural outcome of what has been my path. Do not try to take my stuff on and make it your own. I am not prescribing for anyone. I am not saying that any one way of doing relationships is right or wrong. For each of us, there is only our own way. That "way" is the composite of every single thing that has happened to us through all the days of our lives leading to this moment in time. Where I am; where you are; where each and everyone of us finds ourselves on this day -- that place is precisely where we SHOULD be right now. Your way is good for you, as mine is for me.
I am intrigued by the place where I find myself, just as I once was intrigued by the pathway that I followed, willingly and joyfully, into erotic slavery. I loved that part of my journey, and I have grieved the loss of that part of my life. But this part is what is now, and it has its own charms. I sit when I want to sit and sleep when I want to sleep. I speak up when I perceive things as unfair and I insist on my place in my world. And that is, for now, good for me.
I had lost my edges. I had let my sharp places be worn down and smoothed away. I am reclaiming my edges. I will be sharp and smooth when and how I feel sharp or smooth. I am good here, still in love, still alive, still learning and growing and being the best I know how to be this day.