I toughed it out in that sad excuse for a marriage for some 25 years. I bore two children to that man, and I raised those children into adulthood, all inside of that house that was never fully a home. The guilt of that set of choices remains to this day, but I try not to indulge that. Guilt is pretty much a useless emotion. It doesn't do anything useful for them or for me.
As the marriage was drawing to an end, I fell "in love" again. Having been a faithful and dutiful wife for all of my adult life, I had hardly any more experience in the world of life and love the second time around, and so... guess what? I fell in love with the idea that THIS time, THIS love would make me happy; give me someone who cared; keep me safe; and finally give me that feeling of belonging somewhere. Years did not equate to wisdom in my case. Experience, had I had much of it, might have given me the understanding that I clearly still lacked. Innocence and naivety are, perhaps, charming, but they sure as heck do not serve to equip a person for venturing out into the big wide world.
I've spent a lifetime trying to win the love I've craved. I've cared worked and struggled and watched the long lonely nights for love to come back to me in measure equal to what I've given. I don't believe in that emotional economy anymore. It doesn't work. No one ever feels obligated to return the favor. No one ever accounts for what is given, and then begins to calculate what it would take to repay the debt. People are simply animals, working to survive in the world, and they will take what is given and keep on walking their own paths with hardly a backward glance.
So. Today I am promising myself to make myself happy. I am promising that I will dream my own dreams. I am promising that when I need to be cared for, and cared about, I will do the caring. I'm tired of dreaming someone else. It is time to begin dreaming me.
Sue- I completely relate to this; We're pretty well the same age - and the past few years (like in your life) have been challenging, difficult, whatever ... in the end, bringing me to me. I am not to the point where I am ready to start dreaming; I am, however, understanding it is only I who can be responsible.
ReplyDeleteI wonder, selkie, if it always ends up to be true that we are alone?
DeleteI only know that when I was in my 30's I had a dream of where I would be when I was "grown up". In my 40's I had a dream of where I would be when I retired. And now I am retired I feel as though I have no more dreams and no point in dreaming anymore.... dreams do not come true - at least not mine
ReplyDeleteYes, happiness is an inside job. No use relying on others for it. My life has become much happier since I decided to stop wishing things were different from what they are. I can't say I am always successful in this as the old habit dies hard, but it's a very useful way of improving one's life. In fact, the very definition of suffering is wishing things were other than what they are.
ReplyDeleteAnother great improvement in my happiness level resulted from deciding that I quite possibly had no free will; that free will, far from being God's great gift to man, was probably a delusion, and then I no longer agonised over choices.
This doesn't mean you make no attempt to improve your life, but it does mean that if such attempts do not seem to work, you accept that and perhaps try something else - if you're still interested!
Another thing: understand, persuade yourself, or pretend at least, that you have no control over what actually happens. Just keep doing whatever presents itself to be done, to the best of your ability, and never mind the results. This way you will not be disappointed.
I know the free will thing is very radical advice, but the thing is, it works. So, my recipe: Don't try to control your life; accept what is and don't complain inwardly; don't eat more than you need or buy what you don't need or spend money you don't have - all the usual advice. Life will happen much as usual but instead of worrying or regretting, you will be interested to see what life is going to bring you next!
To back up my philosophy, a couple of examples: I used to wish my wife would shut down her laptop and come to bed with me at ten thirty. I stopped wishing this and let her stay up and online as long as she wanted to. Now she seldom goes to bed before three and thrives on less than four hours sleep a night, and we have no problems over this.
Last April my son Claude, then seventeen, confessed to me his girl friend, also seventeen, was two months pregnant (this despite my providing him with condoms). By great good fortune, I had already taught myself these philosophical lessons and felt no apprehensions over this, though I did review possible futures. My positive attitude was a help to Claude and his girl and we are able to share our excitement over the pregnancy, ultra-sound findings (it's a girl, as from last Wednesday!) and consequent decisions on naming the child, due December 19.
Malcolm, I am excited for the impending arrival of your new granddaughter. I know that the usual belief about very young people becoming pregnant is that it is and will be an unmitigated disaster, but I prefer to believe that your Claude and his young woman will find joy and purpose in the fact of their parenthood. They are lucky to have the support of you and your wife. May all be well... Congratulations!
DeleteI've read this post and Malcolm's answer again and again. My heartfelt thanks to both of you, you've been able to write (beautifully) what was still confused in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking perhaps many of us "women of a certain age" come to this understanding you write so eloquently about. When I put the ex husband out and finally walked away from the lover as well, I accepted that it was myself who I needed to serve. Over the course of my life I have looked in every box and behind every curtain for that man to rescue me. To let me serve them, and hold me close and adored and safe in return. I still want that. I want to be born of old money and wear a size 3 as well. I've just come to stop dwelling on fantasies.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the link over. I was missing you :)