I spent the better part of the last 15 or so years practicing a form of erotic sexuality based on a power based, dominance and submission model. I tried, as sincerely as I could, to live the submissive part of that balance for all of these years, and so I think I have some basis from which to speak plainly. I do not believe that it is truly possible to live a purely D/s dynamic day in and day out; day after day after day; for any significant period of time. NOT. POSSIBLE.
I know that many try. I know that many absolutely believe that they are doing that exact thing, and I understand that those who are in the midst of making that attempt will not appreciate my declaration here. So be it. But I believe, based on long experience, and painfully learned lessons, that it is an unsustainable relationship model.
The perfect D/s relationship that I wanted for myself, that so many of my peers in the lifestyle have wanted for themselves, depends on a coming together of two perfect types in perfect harmony and balance. It requires a "perfect" dominant: strong, responsible, confident, wise, focused, and intuitive. It also demands the "perfect" submissive: strong, responsible, confident, wise, focused, and intuitive. These two perfect opposite numbers have to find one another, recognize one another, and enter into relationship with one another. That relationship has to be exactly balanced in terms of tastes, desires, capacities, and a host of other factors. There can be no room in the perfect D/s relationship for complications. No marital complications, no children, no aging parents, no demanding careers, no health concerns, no psychiatric wobbly places. None of that. The balance is too delicate to allow for any of the vagaries of life.
Fifty Shades of Gray, and all of the other BDSM-based fantasy writing that one finds, wherever one finds it, is just that -- fantasy. The stories are not about real people, living real lives. They are make believe stories fetched up out of the dreams of lonely girls and disappointed world over all the centuries behind us.
So. My advice to anyone who might ask for it, and I am pretty sure that no one ever will, is this: play sex games with whoever you choose to play them with. Negotiate scenes. Draw up contracts. Walk along the razor's edge, and experience the undeniable thrill of breaking all the rules. Fall head over heals in love with the whole idea of being adored and treasured and "made" into someone else's idea of perfection. Don't however forget that you are responsible for your own safety and happiness. Play and have fun, but take care of yourself. Love deeply and passionately, but demand and insist that love be reciprocated. It is only fair and sensible.
That last paragraph should be required reading for every submissive..for everyone in a power exchange. Thank you!
ReplyDeletehugs abby
wonderfully written sue - and absolutely NO argument from me..... I think - have thought for a long time - that when all those eager, bright eyed, bushy tailed submissives/slaves have lived it / tried to live it for any length of time - they too will discover what you know.....and I know.... it is NOT POSSIBLE. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Sue,
ReplyDeleteAs you can imagine mouse would sort of lightly disagree that a happy Master/slave existence isn't possible in the long term, but she also can't disagree that this dynamic relationship requires a lot of constant work. But honestly all relationships require a lot more effort than most are willing to give (as the divorce rate shows). M/s or D/s requires even more effort i(t seems to mouse at least).
Personally, the relationship has to evolve and continue to do so over-time. Where Omega and mouse are today is really light years from where we started and that's a good thing, we were able to adjust and alter our personal course as things in our lives have changed. He still has control over almost everything and mouse still feels incredible secure in his control. Life happens while you make other plans. Sure disappointments abound at times, but how we cope, and come back together is what really defines us in the end.
But having said all that, it is important for newbies to the lifestyle who think it will solve all their problems and fall head first in the deep end of the pool, it is a timely reminder that it's not all sunshine and lollipops.
Hugs and <3,
mouse
Dear Mouse, I am sincerely glad for you and Omega. I know at least part of the story that lies at the heart of your lives together, and I am thrilled to know where you are together this day. It is precisely the changing and evolving that you point to that causes me to put out the warning here: nothing stays the same; no one is perfect; there are no knights in shining armor; it is not right or fair to insist that anyone ever be your perfect anything. Arriving at the point where partners make a good match for one another requires a willingness to grow and bend and give and give up. And then do it all again. And again. Forever as long as we last.
DeleteHugs!
Sue, are you coming back?
ReplyDeleteF