Quiet in Mind and Heart

I am feeling quieter today.
Quieter than I have felt for many, many months -- years even.
Something in my insides has shifted, and I am finding some level of peace in my internal world.
I am glad for the change.

I have no big explanation, and no real understanding of how I came to be here now.  Anyone who is looking for me to point the way to this place will be sadly disappointed, I am afraid.

I've been noticing this happening for a few weeks now.  I've watched it quietly, feeling a bit skeptical.  Too many rounds, and too many ups and downs have taught me that it is easy to get knocked off this horse.  Better to hold on tight and not get too cocksure.

Here are the outlines:
I have learned to say what I need and what I mean.  If something upsets me, or if there is some circumstance that seems unfair or unreasonable, then I say so.  I am learning to do that without much heat -- trying not to let myself get SOOOOO upset that I cannot simply say what I need without bitterness or anger.  Being able to recognize my own boundaries, and defend them for myself, by myself, is important to me.  I do not handle resentment well.  Better to just own the things that make me unhappy, and ask for those things to be addressed appropriately.  I understand, finally, that allowing others to act in ways that make me unhappy isn't, in any sense, a good thing.  Not for me, and not for them.

I am listening more carefully.  Most of the emotional hurt, and the burden of fear and anger that accompanied that hurt has worn itself out.  Like some sort of tattered flag, whipped by stormy weather, the shreds of all of that have blown off.  They do not wave in front of my mind's eye any longer.  My vision is clear.  I can hear when he speaks of his own fear and his own pain -- and not overlay it with some sort of sense of blame.  I can sit with his struggles, and not feel that they either add to my struggles... or negate them.  Now, at last, I think that we can walk forward together as partners rather than adversaries.

Just yesterday, working to clear up the dishes after breakfast, I found myself rejoicing in that simple service.  I was happy to be able to do this small thing in support of our life together.  There was no feeling that there should be some quid pro quo.  I was able to give and glad to do so.  The sublimation of my own agendas; my wants; and my fantasies came as a gift.  I did not earn it.  I did not reach for it. I felt no sense of struggle at all.  It simply was, and I am so glad.

It has been 13 years since I came to this place, and entered into this relationship.  I came as a dreamer with wide eyes and big plans.  I wanted a very great deal.  My hungers and my fantasies drove me in a frenzied grab for the thing that I believed could fulfill me and make me whole.  I tried, desperately, to build the life that I could see in my life, and I believed that the strength of my own will could bring that dream into reality.  My own ego put me in a continual state of conflict between who I am and what I thought I wanted.  The fragile sky-castle that I was so determined to build could not stand.

I have grieved the destruction of all the pretty, brightly-painted visions.  And while I moaned over the broken bits, something stronger and healthier sprouted quietly from the rubble.  No phoenix, rising from the ashes this time.  This time, I will keep my eyes on the tiny, fresh, green shoots growing in the fertile soil of love and companionship and faithfulness.